Showing posts with label Words. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Words. Show all posts

Sep 25, 2010

Project & Internet



There's a project at work, that put itself together partly after my workmates stumbled upon my DeviantArt account. Not that snooping is the right word, because the internet is the ultimate public domain, but it still feels strange somehow when your relatives/people you know exclusively IRL intervene in the usual running of an online identity.

I don't know why, but it feels saner to keep those identities separate.

Apparently this is a big thing to Japanese net users, who treasure the anonymity (or more the disattachment from any face, body, geographical location / etc) that various social media / self-publishing sites grant them. Whereas in the west net identity seems more a matter of self-expression and broadcasting... every Gen-Y kid's grown up with a myspace/livejournal/facebook nowadays (and I'm in the top end of that grouping apparently), and the first thing you learn when you DO pour your soul out onto the internet is that by and large nobody listens.

But for the west, constructs like 4Chan that force (or at least enable) anonymity are an endless source of novelty. It's both a big deal and in and of itself the reason for acting as (self-consciously) disturbed as possible. On Japan's 2Chan people still seem to "behave" somehow, there are a lot of unwritten manners and culture involved there. Same as on 4chan, but it's like they don't have this pressing urge to make a spectacle of themselves.

Something else to add to my list of things that people have said are Japanese about me. Like cringing when I meet someone that's K.Y. (look it up!) and never being able to tell someone when I like them. Source of endless grief because Japanese people have this crazy idea that western girls are assertive and forward and stuff. PSH

Anyway, I don't know that I can share project bits with you but once it comes online I'll share a link. :>


Lots of remeniscing recently. Otaru (1 hour from Sapporo), 2 winters ago.
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Jul 15, 2010

Boxes

I'm in a bit of a box. This is something I'm usually comfortable with.

But every now and then, I'll feel the irrepressible urge to exit this box, go outside it, see beyond it and be and do ALL that I am capable of doing. To be limitless, to be truly free, and express as honestly as humanly possible!

But each time I drag myself kicking and screaming out of it, after a novelty or two, I'll find myself crawling back into the comfort zone tail squarely between legs. Yes newness is all good but I have oldness to be getting on with... there's things people expect of me, have grown accustomed to seeing from me, and I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want to lose the warmth of their appreciation and sit there, all alone; just me, a pen and the endless abyss. I want eyes, you know, anyone that creates anything does. You do it because you can't help it, because you need to; but also because you want to be understood when every other medium of communication fails you. And because you want to be loved for what you do, of course.

And so before I know it, I'm once again locked in to these old ways. On the good days I am warm in the knowledge that I know exactly what I am doing, I bask in the adoration of people to whose faces I can bring a smile or a tear, I am confident that I know that little bit more, that my taste is that little bit more refined, and can undercut my rivals. But on the bad days I can hardly recognise myself for all the rules holding me in place. I can see myself pandering to something that I know is half unreal, a construct of the logic of my twisted preemption of what the world seems to want out of me. Yet I pander away, until all confidence and will to do anything at ALL leaves me paralysed.

Well, that's alright, we all have bad days, right?

But the problem is, egoist that I am, I KNOW I can do more, and do it better. I know in theory I should be capable of a lot of different things, and the only thing REALLY holding me back is the time and effort that I need to give these things. Time and Effort being prioritised towards activities that earn me recognition and love enough to keep trying every day. So while doing what I do, this bitterness permeates me. After hours and hours of work I refuse to own up to my own produce, and though so many wonderful people have given me so much of their love and their time and their respect I take it in my stead and I want constantly more, because I am dissatisfied, because I'm not being all that I COULD be if those rules catering to them weren't holding me back.

And this is unfair, to all those wonderful people, to my work, to my efforts, to the fields in which I wish to excel, to my ambitions most of all. Torn between the known that imprisons me and the unknown in which I fear to abandon myself, between a comfortable niche to the left of trendy and the risks in trusting an inner vision, I find myself divided to cater to each bracket of output. They are mutually exclusive and separate, or I make them that way, because in any one bracket I see every other type of endeavour as irrelevant and unapplicable. I can't draw for a design project; I can't paint the way I draw, I can't write lyrically anywhere within my design briefs, and I can't then bring what I learn behind a shutter to my sketchpad.

And so long as I keep these skills secret from each other and separate as possible, so that within the context of Design I can be JUST a Designer, and within the context of illustration I can be JUST an Illustrator and so forth, I'll always be uncomfortable because no single one of those REALLY encompasses everything. In each one I always feel a little like I'm lying, like this thing can't REALLY say everything I have to say. Like the me that I'm portraying is edited to fit the context of its presentation, at the expense of true honesty. And like I'm losing, and failing myself, by not giving my all because there's only a fraction of me left to give.


Which means, really, that I divide my skill up and stretch myself across different things. Where I really SHOULD be bringing it all together, embracing all of it and with the power of each of these disparate skill sets and aesthetics, should be making something new and wonderful that encompasses EVERYTHING.

If I were able to do this, what I make would be a sum of all parts, and completely honest to me and what I can do. It would be a more honest expression, a more cathartic expression to cover point one. For point two, it would be a truer communication, a conversation that didn't involve this self-conscious habit of mine of pre-editing output to match the perceived audience, of pre-empting as much as possible what could be implied about ME out of my work. I have enough confidence in each of my developed strengths, but to bring together to really speak... just how far could that take me?

And for the last point, well, audiences come and go and to be loved for a truly HONEST expression would surely fill me with nothing but honest gratefulness. And if there's one shortcut to happiness, it's to feel grateful for and amazed by everything around you.

:>

Jun 29, 2010

When you talk about cool...

There's people who try at cool, people who try and fail, try and succeed...

Cool isn't in and of itself an objective. Even while you appreciate it, you know it's wrong and shallow somehow... those homely average everyday people you normally overlook in your pursuit of it, they get on with their lives and seem to have a kind of strength about them, a vigour that has nothing to do with being "it" or being "in". people who don't have the time of day for that sort of thing because frankly, we should all have better things to do with our time.
I always looked up to those sorts of people, because I've always been one to fold into believing what shop fronts and catalogues told me about the world.

Travel into the inner, south-of-central (or north-east) suburbs where an edge is borrowed from the grit that once shunned the sort of people that now covet lucrative properties there. Forget trendy, their look has earned edge enough not to have to BE trendy. One of this place would know all the good shops, all the night spots.
You can try to be them, with time, practise and substantial but prudent financial investment. But there are others, out there, the effortless, I-never-tried-but-still-got-it kind of dude you pass in the street. With just the right degree of unaffected on-the-spot style and carelessly bad choices. On broken sofas on the porches of side-streets in what must be one of the costliest areas of the city, sipping wine with flatmates on a drizzly tuesday afternoon. Heading out, after nine, huddled in some packed, some KNOWN SPOT corner cafe cradling a house blend double espresso and wearing that morning after like a badge of honour.

He works, he must work, but you never see him at it unless it's somewhere unbearably, self-deprecatingly IT, elusive and exclusive and only ever existing to own its title BEFORE it is ever really known. Not to be known by everyone, that is, by normal people like you and me. To be known by those people who know before everybody knows, who make it their business and art. Otherwise he stalks the street at all hours of the day and night. The streets are his element, the RIGHT. His eyebrow, cuff link, shoelace loosely tied, all figured down to a T. The careful man will have studied the skill; the careless one born of an inate sense for what lies just beyond the sight of magazines and street fashion blogs.
He cruises, seen in the kind of locales that will intrinsically complement his style and exhibit his good judgment, knowing there's nothing he could possibly add to what he's got on show right now.
He sees others. He reads what they've written in their vintage threads to him, in their shaved heads and layered, torn stockings. There's no envy at that level, only admiration, because every true artisan appreciates another's craft.

Somewhere a long way away, at another time and place he might smile at old ladies, be called Gary or James or Peter, but that all doesn't matter. The personality, the life in the context of the man in his element, at that moment that your eyes meet him and his impeccable chauffeur cap, is irrelevant.
He is the moment, there for the moment it takes you to see and process him, gone the next. Burnt into your retinas as the flawless image of something intangible but there, unspeakable but present, like an animal smell. It speaks to the hindbrain.
It says things to you, like the most upscale and cutting-edge rags say things to you without words, without hard-sell or viral campaigns. It's an image, a feel, a concept. And he owns and embodies it... strangers are his friends, because for that one shallow moment in which a stranger accurately assesses to intricate detail everything about him, he will see the man and take away an immortal, impeccable, flawless impression in his mind of everything the man has perfected.

He is a concept on legs. You don't need to perceive him as anything else other than the stranger on the street, because he is the perfection of that stranger.
He is cool. He owns cool. He is part of the ever-changing dialogue that hides away from strangers and exhibits just enough to earn the love it needs in its constant pursuit for freshness, aesthetics, style, meaning, visuals.

He is the man on the street. 

Jul 20, 2009

On my way home

Things I need to prepare for poking around at home:

- Some form of knitting / crocheting gear. :)
- A multipocket folder to organise my sheaths of drawing paper
- urrrm, catchup on missed classes?


Hmmmmm alright. Just enough NZD to take care of everything and a bunch of cash in the bank yet to keep me going when I get back. Shoes from America? Maybe...
Also need to:
- Make some delicious cookies and
- Some TTGL pictures and
- my busted old harddrive to put together and mail to my agent over in the ole new country.

In perfecting my quiet-night-inness, have finished most of the books I brought over, which I thought were way too many - done with Henry Esmond and Voltaire's Candide, and now ploughing through Empires. All of which are set in similar periods for at least part of their durations, which means you get bits of them referencing each other.
History is like some really, really complicated branched-out series that's been evolving over years and years, so convoluted that if you miss 30 seconds the season is effectively ruined for you, and yet you have literally thousands of years to catch up on before you even start paying attention.

British Empirial Rallying Cry: If you can't beat them, make them join you!